Those Advice given by My Dad That Saved Us when I became a New Dad

"I think I was merely in survival mode for twelve months."

One-time reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the difficulties of being a father.

However the truth soon turned out to be "very different" to his expectations.

Severe health complications surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into acting as her main carer while also looking after their baby boy Leo.

"I took on all the nights, every change… every stroll. The duty of mother and father," Ryan explained.

After eleven months he became exhausted. It was a chat with his father, on a park bench, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The simple phrases "You are not in a healthy space. You need support. How can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and start recovering.

His story is commonplace, but rarely discussed. Although society is now more accustomed to talking about the strain on mothers and about postpartum depression, less is said about the difficulties dads go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan believes his struggles are symptomatic of a wider failure to communicate amongst men, who often absorb damaging ideas of manhood.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and doesn't fall with each wave."

"It isn't a sign of weakness to request help. I didn't do that fast enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, says men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - most notably ahead of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental well-being is just as important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the opportunity to take a break - going on a few days overseas, separate from the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He understood he required a shift to focus on his and his partner's feelings in addition to the day-to-day duties of taking care of a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she needed" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he matures.

Ryan believes these will help his son to better grasp the language of emotional life and understand his decisions as a father.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen was without stable male a father figure. Even with having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, long-standing trauma meant his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says bottling up feelings resulted in him make "poor choices" when he was younger to modify how he felt, finding solace in substance use as escapism from the pain.

"You find your way to behaviours that don't help," he says. "They may short-term modify how you feel, but they will in the end cause more harm."

Strategies for Coping as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, speak to a family member, your spouse or a counsellor what you're going through. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the things that made you feel like the person you were before having a baby. Examples include playing sport, socialising or gaming.
• Pay attention to the physical health - a good diet, staying active and if you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is coping.
• Meet other new dads - hearing about their stories, the messy ones, as well as the good ones, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that asking for help is not failure - looking after you is the most effective way you can care for your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the death, having had no contact with him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead give the security and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking it out" together - expressing the feelings safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men since they faced their pain, transformed how they talk, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their kids.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, sometimes I believe my purpose is to teach and advise you on life, but in reality, it's a exchange. I'm learning an equal amount as you are through this experience."